Rumours

They say I punched a nun. And so what if I did? You think I would have done it if she didn’t deserve it? Bein’ all snotty and tellin’ everyone what to do all the time. I’m not even Catholic for Christ’s sake!

Sure, even on a good day I got problems with authority, but this one, well, she rubbed me the wrong way. Scoldin’ me like a child because I swear once in a while. Not my fault that Harv and his friends are a bunch of assholes, always makin’ fun of my limp and such. She never said a thing to those guys, did she? Naw, of course not. Everyone loves to pick on old Charlie. Cursed for the ages I am.

So last week this nun comes right up to me and says, Charlie, she called me by my first name right? No idea how she knows my name, that’s the thing that really got me goin’. She says, Charlie, now I warned ya about takin’ the Lord’s name in vain. I’d just spent the previous two hours listenin’ to Harv and Eugene and Pete, right bunch of sphincters those three, listenin’ to them call me ‘Limpy’ and tell me I smell funny and I’m ugly and that I’ll never get no girlfriend. I’d had quite enough for one day, and then the bloody nun come on all holier’n thou. So I gets right up in ‘er face and says, jumpin Jesus on a bicycle, woman! I never met the guy and likely never will so what’s the God damned problem? Well, she turns all red and starts waggin’ her finger at me and the trio of dirty bum holes behind me’r laughin’ and carryin’ on. I couldn’t take no more so I went into a rage as blind as my old Uncle Lester. I spun to give the chief poop shooter, good old Harvey-boy, a little love tap, right? Problem was he was laughin’ so hard he was bent over and I spun right around. My closed fist connected with the screechin’ nun and then down she goes! Yeah, yeah, I know I didn’t mean to do it, but who’s goin’ to believe old bow-legged, crooked tooth Charlie? Nobody, that’s who, rumour or not.

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Photo by Jonathan Sharp on Unsplash

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